I hadn't played soccer in nigh on ten years, since being a sophomore in college, until yesterday morning. I signed up for the Winter coed hat-draw soccer season put on by the parks & rec crew. Michael, a guy I work with, told me about it and I got on his team. Kelly, someone Kat works with, and her husband are also on my team, the Morning Fog. The game was early Saturday morning at South Eugene Highschool on their outdoor artificial turf field. When I got there another game was finishing up, but the field was still littered with ice chunks. The ball was skipping and bouncing irregularly across the surface. It was very cold. I started stretching out and jogging a bit to get warmed up and was joking with Michael about I'd probably pull something and be out of the game right away...
Once the first game was over we took to the field and figured out our positions. I'd opted to play the first half in the field and spend the second half in goal. I was surprised to learn that we'd be playing a full two 45 minute halves. I figured we'd be playing short sides and shortened game but we fielded two full teams with one on-the-fly sub standing ready. I was in for a long and tiring game. I thought I was prepared though, since I'd been going to the gym more frequently, running on the treadmill, and I spent the previous Saturday in the park with Elliot kicking a ball around and going for a long jog. I took my place on the mid-line for kick-off. The whistle blew and the game was on. I took off down the left side of the pitch trying to break open for a pass. Someone spotted me and send a low fast one my way. It took off on the ice an skidded ahead of me. I broke into my best version of a sprint and stretched for the ball to send it back into play and that's when I felt a tearing in my groin.
My premonition was dead-on. Less than five minutes into the game and I was hobbling in pain from a pulled groin muscle. Every step was agonizing and I was embarrassed to be so out of shape and obviously no longer spry and limber. I briefly considered sitting out the rest of the game, the pain was excruciating, but the shame of not toughing it out outweighed my physical well-being. I played the next 40 minutes on the field, awkwardly jogging after the ball when it came my way. I got my foot on it a few times, but every time I started to forget about my groin I'd invariably make some graceless move to trap or kick a ball and pain would shoot through my crotch and down my leg once again.
I was thankful when the halftime whistle blew. We had a short break and I got to say hi to Kat who was watching from the stands bundled up with her furry purple cat hat and holding a colorful sign that said "Go Jefe". I donned my goalie gear and took my place in the box. Standing was only marginally less painful than running, but as I stood there surveying the field, memories of highschool games started coming back and with it all the stress of being the last line of defense. We'd given up three goals in the first half, one of them an own-goal, and only scored one. If we were going to win this I needed to shut the other team down. I didn't know if I'd be able to do that in my current condition, injured, out of practice, and with the weather being as it was the goal box was littered with ice cubes. A goalie dive in this environment was liable to be extra specially painful.
The second half started off in our favor. Our best players gravitated towards the front line, and positions being informal as they were, the team adapted. Most of the second half was played in our opponents side of the field. We scored two more goals and tied it up, but there was plenty of time left for retaliation. I'd only seen a little action, deflected a few weak shots, scooped up a couple loose balls, and booted them back into the other side. One of my punts ended up getting converted to a goal, which I counted as an assist, even if there were a couple passes between me and the final shot. My knees were bloody from scraping against the layer of ice left on the field and my hands were numb from the cold sting of the ball when it struck my hands.
When the retaliation came it was fast and decisive. They drove deep into our side catching our defense off-guard. As our best players were focusing on scoring, our weakest team members had dropped back into defense which left us very vulnerable. Suddenly it was a break away and I knew it'd come down to a shot on goal. When it came I was in position, cutting off the angles as my old goal-tending habits came back to me, and I was coiled for a dive. The shot cut across to my right side going for the far corner of the goal and I sprang after it, redirecting it with one gloved hand. Unfortunately it now was passing in front of the open goal and I was laid out on the icy ground recovering from my dive. There were two more opponents quickly descending on the ball, with no defensive help in sight. I only had enough time to get one leg under me and propel myself along the ground to try and get in front of it, but I was too late as one of their strikers drove the ball into the back of the net. That was the final goal of the game and we ended up losing 4 to 3. Next time I'll start in goal and finish on the field, so at least I'll get my injury closer to the end of the game.
I nursed my wounds as best I could that afternoon. I had a long drive to Salem and back for Dad's retirement party. I was happy to see so many friends and family come out for him. It was really very touching. My nephew, Taylor, and a basketball game that night at Gubser elementary, where I'd gone for sixth grade. All I could think was "Why didn't I sign up for basketball this winter?". It's a lot less hard on your body and at least I'd be warm.
I was happy to get Jester back and take him home with me. When I got home Kat tried to help tend to my sore muscles and offered to put some icyhot on my leg. I'd never had icyhot before so I thought I'd give it a try. I took of my pants and we set to work slathering up my inner thigh, but I must have been careless because some of it got on the left side of my scrotum. I didn't think much of it at first, it was sort of tingly, until the heat set in. Now I think I've discovered a new form of torture. All of a sudden an intense heat was searing my left testicle. At first I was sort of laughing about the situation until the heat continued to intensify and I was left rolling on my back cupping my jewels and screaming "Oh God! My nuts are on fire! Why does it burn so?!". Kat's expression changed from mild amusement to real concern as she ran to get a wet cloth at my behest. Wiping away as much of the icyhot as I could helped to some degree, but the chemical burn sensation gradually subsided over the next ten minutes or so. The icyhot treatment definitely made me forget about the pain in my leg.
Later that night I sat on the couch in my boxers recovering with Kat's herb bag fresh from the freezer laying across my lap. Gryphon decided to climb over and check me out. He was standing on my right thigh and I didn't think anything of it while we were watching "Hoodwinked". Just then Jester burst in through the dogdoor from outside, as is his habit. Gryphon, surprised and alarmed by the sudden activity, instinctively extended his claws into my leg scratching me and sprang down from my lap, in the process managing to use my strained groin muscle for leverage. As the cat ran down the hall, Jester noticed him and it must have looked like fun because he decided to pursue. I was cursing at the cat by this point so Jester quickly changed directions and came running up to me thinking I was in a playful mood. As is his gregarious manner he leapt bodily into my lap, adding the a nice exclamation point to an already painful evening.
